4 Ways to Comfort a Widower Who is Grieving

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Losing a spouse is an incredibly painful experience, and for widowers, navigating through grief can feel like an overwhelming journey. While the grieving process is unique to each individual, offering support and comfort to a widower during this time can be deeply meaningful.

In this blog post, we’ll explore four ways to provide solace and assistance to a widower who is mourning the loss of their partner. From offering a listening ear to practical acts of kindness, these gestures can help ease the burden of grief and provide much-needed comfort during a challenging period of adjustment.

It’s a known and well-researched fact that before the death of a spouse, married men enjoy better health and greater longevity than those who are not married.

But there’s a big problem once a spouse dies.

Of all the unmarried people, those with the worst health and an unfortunately increased risk of death are those who are widowed. Widowhood increases economic vulnerability and financial strain, especially for women and racial and ethnic minorities.

As noted in our article on 8 ways to help a widower, there is significantly less written on helping widowers than there is on helping widows. This is because women overwhelmingly outlive men, so it only makes sense that there is more content on widows.

However, widowers need help as well, evidenced by the prevalence of widower’s syndrome.

What is Widower’s Syndrome

Widower’s syndrome is when older adults who have lost a spouse face an increased risk of dying due to possible causes such as self-neglect, lack of a support network, suffering from a long illness themselves combined with a loss of the will to live after a spouse passes, lack of professional help in learning to cope, or just general pain and heartbreak. It’s also sometimes called the widowhood effect and typically refers to someone who dies three months or less after his spouse dies.

Loss of income is sometimes cited as a reason for why widowhood brings negative effects on health among women but this hasn’t necessarily been found to be true for men.

In one National Institutes of Health study from 2014, researchers looked at the positive side of widowhood and found that older adults can be highly resilient and successfully cope and adapt to the loss of a spouse. Social support is what alleviates the deleterious effects of negative life events, even if that means just one friend speaking the right words into a cell phone from many miles away.

6 Stages of Grief for a Widower

There are seven stages in the grieving process for a widower. Understanding these can help you offer much compassion for a friend or loved one who has lost their spouse.

While these stages are listed in numerical order, they are not necessarily linear. A widower could start at one stage, move backward, forward again, etc. as everyone experiences grief differently.

1 – Denial and Disbelief

The denial and disbelief stage is often associated with uncontrollable emotions. It’s closely associated with a state of shock. Along with these feelings is a type of brain fog that includes short-term memory loss for widows and widowers alike.

Feeling that a spouse’s absence is only temporary is common. What goes with this denial is the feeling that any minute, she will be preparing your dinner. Another characteristic is attemtping to talk to the spouse as if she is there. This occurs until there is acceptance that she’s not coming back.

2 – Anger

A widower’s anger could be at oneself, at God, at any person the widower may see as having been negligent, etc. The anger is often manifested at those who are nearby. Expressing anger and pain is better than holding it in, and these feelings are normal and valid. However, asking for forgiveness when you take your anger out on others is important.

3 – Bargaining for a Different Outcome

Widowers may start asking God why He didn’t take you instead of your spouse. It may involve bargaining for a different outcome. Even though this may be irrational, it’s an exceptionally common response. The widower may promise to make changes, to repent, even to offer his life in exchange for the return of his wife.

4 – Guilt

Guilt occurs because many people believe that they should have been the person who died instead of the spouse. It’s associated with self-blame. Guilt starts by making a widower feel there were things he should have done differently but then exaggerates itself if he starts feeling bad for being alive, eating, breathing, and progressing forward in life. Guilt can progress to depression.

5 – Depression

Depression may take time to develop. Caregivers may be looking for it from the outset wondering why it isn’t immediate. Depression is a common response, and it will almost certainly come when the widower is coming to accept that nothing will bring his wife back and widowhood is his reality. Special occasions can also sometimes trigger feelings of depression and despair.

Watch for signs such as the inability to sleep, appetite loss, sadness that doesn’t leave, lethargy, and feeling as if there’s not much hope.

If you or a loved one do experience these feelings, remember that professional help specifically for navigating grief does exist, and can oftentimes be very beneficial even if it just allows the space to talk. Additionally, professionals working in this space tend to not offer unsolicited advice, which can be difficult to avoid from well-intentioned friends.

6 – Acceptance

In this final stage of grief, the remaining spouse begins looking forward instead of backward. They are accepting their situation. It may take a few years to enter this stage but it is possible. Just know that acceptance is not necessarily the same as hope. The pain will likely linger for quite some time.

4 Main Ways to Comfort a Widower

There are absolutely things you can do to comfort a widower. Some of the best ways to comfort a newly widowed person is through conversation. Listen to the widow as they share some of the tough feelings they’re working through. Sit with them and invite conversation. Imagine how their lives have changed, engage in conversation as you walk with them to get their body moving. Spend time in conversation with their family and their children. Suggest specific things you’d like to do with them to eliminate the burden for them of having to come up with ways for you to be helpful to them. Mention that you’re willing to just sit with them in silence. Offer to learn a new skill with them.

For more specific ideas, including exactly what to say to a newly widowed individual, keep reading.

1 – Comforting a Widower with Your Heart Through Words

Words can be as sweet as honey or cut like a dagger. Choosing your words carefully is one of the best ways to comfort a widower, and those words can affect the outcome of a widower’s life. We are all prone to accept words spoken to us as ‘gospel’ whenever we are in a state of trauma or are in a highly charged emotional experience.

What to Say to a Widower

Saying the right things is important. Here are some examples:

• I’m sorry for your loss.
• My condolences.
• I’m very sorry you are going through this.
• My heart goes out to you during this time of grief and readjustment.

These statements express heartfelt intentions to the widower. They do not harm in any way.

• She will be missed a lot!

This comforting statement assures the widower he is not alone in missing her.

• I’m here for you.
• I’m listening. I’m always willing to listen to whatever you’d like to share.

The #1 thing a widower needs is to be listened to. Maybe he is feeling some guilt about something not done for his spouse. Maybe he wants to confide in someone (you) about a situation. Listening is the best thing and your best skill to pull on throughout the grief process.

• I love you.
• You are in my thoughts and prayers.

These statements express love and intentionality. Religious and spiritual individuals may appreciate you including them in your prayers.

• You are not alone.

This is comforting because in grief, there is always a feeling of aloneness, and a feeling that others have no concept of what the person is going through.

What Not to Say to a Widower

Just as there are comforting things that may be said, some statements can bring harm. Here’s a list of some of them.

• Well, at least you had 40 years with her…

This statement doesn’t lessen the pain in any way, shape, or form. It lends an air that says, “Get over it. You had your good times. It’s over now.”

• She’s in a better place.

This statement is a judgment on your part. The problem is that you aren’t sitting in the judgment seat at the person’s time of death. We can never know the state of another person’s heart or the state of their soul/spirit. Thus, you may think that it’s comforting for a widower to hear this statement but it may bring up doubt and anxiety that the deceased really is in a better place, and that’s a frightening thought likely to bring up more guilt.

• Everything happens for a reason.

This statement assumes that evil does not exist. Evil can interrupt a good person’s life and take them out before their time. Perhaps good can eventually occur as a result, such as in the woman whose family member died from a drunk driver, and she started an organization called Moms Against Drunk Driving (MADD). But these good things can’t be seen during the grieving process, as no one has a crystal ball to look into the future.

• You’ll feel better in time. Time heals all wounds.

This statement doesn’t help the now period of time they are in.

• How are you?

This question is insensitive. How do you expect them to be – happy and joyful? Unconcerned about all the changes that are looming on the horizon?

• Everything is going to turn out okay.

This is called “forecasting,” or looking into the crystal ball. Do you really have that kind of power?

• At least you had time to prepare for her death.

There is no training anyone can take to prepare for someone’s death psychologically. There is financial planning, but no psychological planning. Thus, when death occurs, there will be several steps someone goes through no matter if the death was expected or not.

• It’s been a few weeks. Isn’t it time to get over it?

This is a very damaging statement because it assumes the grieving person isn’t meeting your expectations. It’s also potentially narcissistic, as often the person saying it wants the help of the person for something.

• How did she die?

If the grieving widower answers this question, he is essentially reliving the incident. If the widower was on the scene at the time of the death, your question is asking him to relive it. That’s like asking a veteran to relive the war events that caused their post-traumatic stress disorder. You are unnecessarily shifting their mind into a state of trauma.

2 – Your Good Memories of the Deceased Person

Sharing a memory does a lot of good to the soul of someone going through grief. First, it gives the griever another perspective of their loved one. In every relationship, there are always going to be good and bad experiences – and both will most likely be replayed in the grieving spouse’s mind. By giving him one or more pleasant memories you shared with the deceased person, you strengthen the links to those good events in his brain.

Sharing good memories also puts your friend in a better mindset and may help him prevent spiraling downward into depression. In fact, if you have several good memories, you might spread them out over time to share with your friend, giving him multiple boosts of positive energy that will last at least for a little while.

3 – Comforting a Widower with Your Heart Through Food

During the grieving process, making one’s own meals often seems like too much effort. Once the widower stops eating regular meals, it’s too easy for him to start developing deficiencies in B vitamins and minerals such as calcium and magnesium. A vitamin B deficiency, and deficiency of calcium and magnesium as well as a vitamin D deficiency will contribute to poor moods and depression.

One of the best things you can do is make sure the widower is eating regular meals. Getting him qualified for Meals on Wheels or bringing one of his favorite meals to his house can help this process. Also, consider the idea of checking with the person to ensure he is taking at least a multivitamin/mineral tablet (this is our recommended multivitamin for men over 50, that their vitamin D daily intake is good (about 65-75 ng/ml is excellent), and that they’re getting extra calcium and magnesium (these are difficult to get in the normal diet) – this is our favorite supplement that is inclusive of all of these – vitamin D, calcium, and magnesium, all of which support overall bone health.

These meals don’t have to be overly difficult to prepare or complex – a simple container with a nutritious, simple meal can go a long way in comforting someone and providing a little relief for them in not having to worry about their next meal.

4 – Comforting a Widower with Your Heart Through Action

When someone is navigating grief, he or she will not want to do ‘usual’ activities, especially the ones that are drudgery to begin with. The list includes laundry, dishes, cleaning the bathroom, going shopping, and even doing daily activities with the pets such as giving them food and water or taking them (or their dog) out for walks.

You can be the one who devotes two hours a week to one of these activities, or you could hire someone to help the widower for a period of a few to several months. Your efforts will not go unnoticed.

Another action that has long-reaching benefits is to consider giving the widower a tin of the Bach Flower Emergency Rescue Formula Remedies Pastilles.

These are very diluted flower essences – which will not interfere with any medication usage. They are specific for ‘rescuing’ the person from emotions that are raging, whether the emotion is grief, sadness, depression, anxiety, or anger.

One additional action could be including the widower in some of your own plans. For example, when you go to your place of worship and hear an uplifting message, wouldn’t it be great for the widower to hear it, too? For holidays or special occasions, consider including the widower in your family plans. Are your friends getting together for a game night and would your friend going through a hard time appreciate an invite? If so, be sure to extend one as it’s these types of activities that really enrich the lives of those you love as they navigate this new chapter of being a widow or widower.

Summary

In conclusion, supporting a widower through their grieving process requires empathy, patience, and understanding. Whether it’s offering a listening ear, providing practical assistance, encouraging self-care, or simply being present, these gestures can make a profound difference in their healing journey. By extending compassion and support, we can help widowers navigate the complexities of grief with greater ease and find solace in knowing they are not alone in their journey toward healing.

Lastly, it’s important to remember that in the early stages of grief they may not want to talk just yet, and they may not know the type of support they need. Greet them with an open heart, acknowledge their pain, give them space if they need it, and don’t forget to say their loved one’s name – you’d be surprised at how important and helpful this small step can be.

About the Authors

Leona Small is a freelance writer and former caregiver. She has experience working with people with Alzheimer’s Disease and related dementias and has spent years working alongside both patients and caregivers in Hospice. Additionally, she’s worked as a Professional Organizer helping people and families to purge, organize, manage, and prepare for various life transitions such as moving, downsizing, and the passing of loved ones. Her passions include writing about healthy aging, innovative resources to help older adults and caregivers, and traveling.